i always noticed
by shesnevergrowingup
Summary: And every time I see you Remus, everytime you speak my name or your skin brushes mine, I die inside. Because I know that you'll never see me as anything more and it kills me. -Remus and Tonks, takes place during HBP-


_A/N: Written from the prompt "You don't have to leave!" "Yes, Yes I do"_

_Disclaimer: I don't own J.K. Rowling's characters, I just screw with them_

It was one of those winter nights where the snow is falling _just right_. Lightly floating down from the clouds and slowly coating the trees with a thin blanket of beauty. And the moon was almost full, a sure sign that something magic was going to happen.

Nymphadora Tonks blinked at her reflection in her bedroom mirror. A five foot seven inch frame reflected back at her, daring her to question herself. She had decided on wearing her hair dark, a black that shining in the light made you wonder of tones of purple. Her eyes were dark too, an annoying side effect of the sadness going on in her life. She was starting to be able to control parts of her morphing ability, but the power to change her eyes back to the piercing blue she usually had, she was afraid it might never come back. The simple green dress she had finally decided on hugged her currently curvy shape flatteringly. This was important, she needed to look as grown up as possible for tonight.

She had spent hours getting her skin right, trying to mold it somewhere between 25 and 40, with the beginnings of hints of wrinkles. But it wasn't right, she felt like Fred and George playing one of there pranks. So in the end she had gone smooth.

The doorbell rang and she smiled in the mirror, Remus was right on time, 8:00 exactly. But after all, had she really expected any differently?

She yanked on her heels (Remus was tall, he wouldn't notice) and called a what she hope sounded smooth "Coming!" towards the hall. She flattened her hair and on a last second whim hexed her dress an inch shorter. She took a deep breath and opened the mahogany doors.

At first glance, Remus still looked like himself. His sandy hair was a bit shaggy, and his oxford style shirt hung untucked over his straight trousers. A black muggle style fleece was unzipped over his borad shoulders. He was clean shaven, and looked put together. But, Tonks decided, he really looked terrible. Faint white glows of thin scars traced his jawline and his back slouched under the weight of the sadness of war. But the snowflakes on his eyelashes cloaked the worst of all, his brown eyes were no longer shining the way they had used to.

A smile crept onto her face when his lips parted in a quiet gasp at her appearance. "You look," he breathed, "Fantastic." He always had been the romantic.

She shrugged a modest thanks and welcomed him inside. He follwed her into the hallway of her rented condo and closed the door behind him. She took his coat and draped it over a chair. He couldn't help but smile at her lack of formality. "I have a fire going in the living room," she tempted, "Come sit, you must be freezing."

She stepped closer and allowed her hand to brush against his hard knuckles, he stiffened and surprising herself, so did she.

"This really has to be a quick visit Nymphadora, purely business and then I must be on my way," he said, his tone serious and completely different from the one that had complimented her with moments earlier.

"Right…" she said slowly, "I understand." She stared to the floor and then let her gaze rise to meet his, he looked troubled and so she pouted her lip ever so slightly. "It's just that I forget people are so busy lately, me living by myself. Sometimes the order is the only thing that reminds me I'm not alone." She turned down the hall towards the kitchen, to fetch drinks and let that sink in. After a moment he continued after her clanking heels.

"So what I wanted to discuss is how you plan to, wait, what is that you're pouring Nymphadora? You know I can't drink anything to strong, not when it's this close to my, erm, time of month."

A laugh escaped her lips, which she quickly stifled with her hand. _Be mature_ she reminded herself silently. "Oh this?" she asked innocently, "It's something they were selling at the muggle store down the street. It's barely strong at all. Nothing for you to worry about."

She handed him a glass of the gold tainted liquid and he sniffed it cautiously, "You're sure?"

"Positive." She took a sip as if to prove this and then nodded to the brown couches in the living room.

"Even if you're fine, Remus, I'm a little cold. And sitting in front of the fire, even for a short while, well, it couldn't hurt."

He stared at her, amused. He knew all too well how capable she was of manipulating him. Which was why she surprised to see him follow her once again.

She sat down on the soft brown couch, sighing into its cushions. He continued down right next to her. So close his knee was touching hers.

He took a long drink from his glass, "So tell me Tonks," he said after his sip, "How have you been."

She wasn't quite sure how to answer this, she'd been saying risqué things every possibility so far, but she didn't want to push him. And she certainly wanted to seem mature. So maybe a 'lonely' and snuggling closer to him wasn't the right approach this time.

"I've been… fine." She murmured, avoiding his gaze (why was his gaze always so bloody strong?)

"Well I'll pretend to believe that for now," he replied carefully, his brown eyes continuing to look directly at her.

"Well what do you want me to say?" she snapped, and then in realization of how this had came out she added, "I mean, how've you been.

He started smooth, "Well lately I've been-"

"Honestly Remus."

She finally managed to look back at him, and something in her stomach pulled but she ignored it, daring him to be truthful with her.

"I've been, I've been _terrible._" He confessed shakily. "I miss him so much."

She was surprised at how easily he had opened up. "He was your best friend." She whispered. She was afraid, she realized distantly. Afraid to go closer and comfort this man whom was really just as scared as she was.

"Sometimes I feel like it's me against the world," she blurted out to him. "Like, like I'm the only one who really cares anymore."

And then his fingers, previously inches apart from her were laced with her own. "It's so easy to think that way," he whispered. "But you must remember how many people you have on your side."

That was easy for him to say. He wasn't the one practically throwing herself at the man she loved because he was too bloody stubborn to give in.

"But the number's going down, Remus. Sirius is dead. And all these children, they're putting their lives on the line. And then there's the fact that I'm growing older and can't live with my parents anymore and all my other relatives are on the freaking dark side."

"I'm sure your parents would be happy to-"

"That's not the point and you know it."

He suddenly pulled his fingers away, brushing them through his hair. His eyes, if possible, darkened. "At least you have a family to go to."

She gasped, realizing how selfish she had sounded. She reached her delicate fingers to stroke his (strong) arm through his shirt. "I'm sorry, how foolish of me. You're right."

But he didn't soften. He was getting angrier by the moment, she could tell, and with a glance to his other arm she realized the full glass he had had earlier was not completely empty.

"I'm a fucking werewolf!" he raged, "You don't know what alone feels like! You don't know what it's like to scare everyone you've ever loved."

The words _"Remus, you're scaring me," _halted on her lips.

"I'm sorry," she gasped, realizing her mistake of giving him all the alchohol (even though it was just a taste!) and not being completely truthful about it. "I was whining, I wasn't thinking, I-"

"You're so immature," he said, "you're just a child. You don't think about anyone else before you speak. You're stubborn and you don't know what's good for you. Here you go whining about being alone when you have more support than anyone-"

"Don't you dare Remus Lupin!" She said, angry now. "Don't you dare tell me that I don't know what is good for me. And don't you dare tell me that I'm not alone."

He laughed. He _laughed_ at her. "Humor me then, child. Pray tell, explain yourself."

"I know what I want, I've known what I want for the longest time and what I want, Remus, what I want is you. I love you. I've loved you since the day we met. And I'm alone because no matter what I do to be noticed, you ignore me, and you refuse to see me as anything but a child when I'm having these strong feelings that are anything but childlike! And every time I see you Remus, everytime you speak my name or your skin brushes mine, I die inside. Because I know that you'll never see me as anything more and _it kills me."_

He was frozen, except her eyes which were frantically tracing her figure, calculating something she couldn't understand.

"You, you're not. You can't. This isn't-"

"Remus please. If anything understand that what I'm saying is _true. I love you."_

And suddenly his hands were on her waist and his lips were on hers. Kissing her and holding her with such passion and need and intensity she was sure it must be a dream.

And then as soon as it had started it was over, and he was standing ten feet away from her on the couch, running his fingers through his hair once again, in disbelief of how he had for once let his heart decide before his brain.

"I, I'm running late," he muttered. He picked his coat off from the chair and without turning to look back headed towards the door.

She was stunned, "Wait! You don't have to leave," she called desperately. Still frozen to her spot on the couch.

"Yes," a sad voice echoed through to her, "I do."

And as the door slamed shut Nymphadora Tonks burst into tears, because what she's thought she'd always wanted was turning out to be pretty bittersweet.

And then a noise at her window pulled her out of her tears, a snow white owl with a single piece of parchment tap tap tapped for her to come. She padded across the carpet, opened the window, and then sniffling let the bird enjoy the warmth of her house. She carefully wrestled the paper from its mouth and unfolded it to find the three words that changed everything.

~I always noticed~

_A/N: Please don't favorite without reviewing, thanks! _


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